tired...................

when does it stop to hurt? when do memories cease to feel like its tearing a hole in your mind every time it filters through your mind? enough of people saying it will be okay EVENTUALLY. eventually is cop out. and isn't even real. and as far as im concerned, it eventually has come and gone.

im being held captive not by painful memories, but by memories that cause pain when they are summoned. im generally happy with life now, but my happiness comes with a shadow that i dont know how to cast off. i am so fortunate, i have so much, but that isnt the point..... i dont even know if im lamenting something ive lost, or if im lamenting the fact that its something i dont have anymore. am i making sense?

i need to be set free. i need to have all of my heart back.

im sick of this shit.

baggage

is a child from a previous alliance baggage, or is he not? it is unfair to view him as such, and it is grossly inadequate not to...

i was recently presented with this dilemma when i was introduced the young child of a newly separated friend. Does this bother you at all, my friend asked me, and with oceans behind my ears i said of course not, i see him as nothing but a child.

a charming child he was, and as i soon found out seemed to take on more of my memory space that i thought he would. as it turns out, the feeling were reciprocated, as he asked his father where is SHE?

of course he is baggage, he is someone else's baggage, he is the product of someone else's desires and now remains the symbol of a union that remains broken and a love that no one knows of anymore....

the naive side of me has fallen in love with this child and dreams of seeing him again.. while the not-so-naive part falls in love with him too, but knows not if she should welcome him so willingly.

i always though the worst part of growing up was just growing up... but now i realise the worst part of all is losing the ability to love innocently, and being able to understand why.