tired...................

when does it stop to hurt? when do memories cease to feel like its tearing a hole in your mind every time it filters through your mind? enough of people saying it will be okay EVENTUALLY. eventually is cop out. and isn't even real. and as far as im concerned, it eventually has come and gone.

im being held captive not by painful memories, but by memories that cause pain when they are summoned. im generally happy with life now, but my happiness comes with a shadow that i dont know how to cast off. i am so fortunate, i have so much, but that isnt the point..... i dont even know if im lamenting something ive lost, or if im lamenting the fact that its something i dont have anymore. am i making sense?

i need to be set free. i need to have all of my heart back.

im sick of this shit.