conditional kindness

a few weeks ago situations mad it necessary for me to park in an unfamiliar, seemingly deserted basement carpark in the city. not having a choice, i said a prayer and went on my way.

returning to retrieve my car wasn't quite as easy as leaving it there - as i walked in, i was terrified. i cant say i knew what of, but if youre familiar with the word dodgy and it's implication, that would be how i would categorise the carpark. there is just one car left to the packed basement i had left behind some hours earlier, and a motorcycle was playing witness to the romantic exchange between a young couple. they barely noticed me; i was well aware that they were about to leave and would see no reason to wait till i did. the low ceiling and the dim lights only served to magnify my fear in the eyes of my over-active imagination as i prayed fervently to myself that all will be well. while i could hear the comforting sounds of the traffic overhead, it served me no use as it would have only camouflaged my screams if id needed to do so. even the smell was different - rather than the exhaust fumes, i was enveloped in a wave of an old, murky dustiness that i couldnt place. The lack of circulation made me slightly breathless, yet sent a nervous shiver down my back.

parking was to be paid at a small management office that was had no windows - hence no view of the carpark itself - and a small, tightly shut door. i pushed it open, only to see a young Indian man suitably entertained by a dvd on his laptop. I smiled gratefully, paid my parking, and even engaged in some nonsensical banter before leaving.

one painful thing struck me, however - the only reason i spoke to him more than necessary, the only reason i looked into his eyes and genuienly smiled is because i was hoping that if anything happened to me he would help me out, or, worse still, would resist the temptation to hurt me on his own. If i was not so afraid, i might have at best said a quick thank you and left.

it deeply upset me, because it seemed like a cruel thing to do. why could i not have smiled like that unconditionally? how mean and unfair have I become, that smiling from my heart is reserved for only the ones i expect help from? why couldnt I have smiled at him like that for no other reason than because I can?

i made myself a promise that night, that I would never be so ingenuine or so unkind to only extend kindness for something in return. that I would smile and be nice to anyone regardless of the situation i was in, because i shouldnt get to decide who is worth my attention and who isnt. No one does.